Tuesday, February 17, 2015

TEDx Tallahassee!

I am very excited my speaker application for @TEDxTallahassee is in the 2nd round!  

During the last 100 years research has focused solely on mothers and their babies: 1920's, Hammett (baby and mommy rats); 1930s, Harlow (baby and mommy monkeys); 40s-60s Bowlby and Ainsworth attachment theory.

  •  More than 80% of fathers are involved with single mothers at the time of the birth of their babies. 
  • By the time the child is in preschool involvement drops to less than 50%. 

My field research of first time fathers blew me away! The implications for single fathers, traditional and non-traditional are compelling. Fathers require access and opportunity.

Do we as a society impede fathers from bonding and attaching with their infants?  

Let’s Talk!
Apply to join me: http://www.tedxtallahassee.org

Dr. Mary Kay Keller

Monday, February 16, 2015

Honestly, what are you really looking for in a relationship?

More than ever singles are staying single. I hear complaints from single people all the time. Why can't I find anyone? There are not any good "women" or "men" out there. The complaints are numerous as people go bumping around trying to find the "perfect" person they can spend the "rest of their life" with and ride off into the romantic sunset.

I recently buried my father. He like my mother was married three times. Their first marriage to each other ended after 22 years in divorce. Their second and third marriages were until death do us part. What I learned was that there is no happily ever after, there is at best a "until death do us part" experience, leaving at least one of the two people alone again. The search for "forever" is not based in reality. Life is full of constant changes and nothing stays the same, not your age, not your life and certainly not your relationships. Change is constant. I am writing a series of mini-books based upon a Life Skills program I developed many years ago. I am writing this series because I find a common theme with the people I hear from and that theme is adjusting to change. I will be publishing later this year. So keep coming back to check my listing of books as they expand. Read on below to determine where you are in the process of relationship connection.

Anyone can get married. Falling in love however is another matter. Many people are not honest with themselves when they call me saying they want to be in a relationship. The first relationship we must develop has to be with ourselves. We need to know what we need, what we want and more essentially how to be honest with ourselves. I am convinced divorces occur because of this initial dishonesty with ourselves. Many times what we really mean is I want sex, I want sex on a consistent basis and I want it on my terms. This is not the same thing as I want sex with someone I fall in love with or that I want to be with someone for companionship for the rest of my life so I don't have to face life alone. This is not the same thing as I want to avoid being alone. Relationships are pretty simple. What is not simple is the co-vert reasons we are motivated by to enter into a relationship. If we are not clear and honest with ourselves, as we will lack the capacity to be clear and honest with someone else.

I ran across this article and found it interesting. It definitely has a hook. What I find interesting is how many people fail to ask people about themselves. Many times we are so focused and intent on selling ourselves that we forget to show an interest in someone else. What are their dreams? What are they passionate about? What do they like or dislike? These are the things that intimacy is built upon, getti9ng to know someone else. Exploring someone else's world and sharing our own world is essential to beginning a relationship. Intimacy comes in three stages, 1. Interest and engagement, 2. Emotional intimacy and 3. Physical intimacy. Participating in all three of these stages and even revisiting them in a circular fluid movement is what keeps relationships alive and invigorating. This is not just true of romantic relationships, the same principles can be applied to your children and others you are in a non-sexual relationship with in your intimate world.

Answer these questions:
Where are you at in the relationship with yourself?
Where are you now in the relationship with someone else?
Or have you been in past relationships?
If you don't like the answers let's talk.  Click here for a confidential session today!

Please do enjoy this article and take away what you deem appropriate. 

Ask these 36 questions to fall in love?

Dr. Mary Kay Keller

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Romance and Relationships Tip Talks

Relationship Tips and Talk

1. Be touchable. This applies to both men and women. Of course it is important to take care of yourself and style and grooming plays an important role in being attractive. However, if you have invested so much that you are picture perfect and untouchable what is the point?

Cut the hairspray be inviting to the touch. Let him/her muss up your hair or your clothes....be appealing to the touch besides appealing to the eyes, be appealing to the smell...most women/men do not like to be overwhelmed by perfumes/colognes....essential oils are nice as they interact with the brain rather than shut down the airways. Be touchable and give a light touch. Check out essential oils at www.youngliving.org #844043.

2. Be sexy. This isn't all about lingerie, yes men are visual however being visual means they like to see you being confident about who you are, how you carry yourself. If you don't feel physically attractive it is because of your internal dialogue.

Even people who feel overweight out of shape people tell me they feel sexy because they tell themselves how sexy they are, how appealing they are... you are what you think you are so, think yourself to sexy! (When the negative inner dialogue starts telling you are not, tell it thank you for your opinion and I think I am very, very sexy.) This is important because your brain listens to your inner and your vocal dialogue and then your body responds by acting out what is happening in your brain. Now men, everything you just read about women goes to men as well. Not being confident is just as much as a turn off for women as it is for men.

3. Do that special something the other person likes to do.
Don't do things you really hate to do as neither of you will enjoy it. However, find things that you know your special other likes to do  (not that you think they like to do, that they really like to do) and do it with them.

4. Cook for your love. Tried but true a way to anyone's heart is to feed them good food. Play with food as well. There are foods that can go into the bedroom. Be creative.

Check out this blog with Chocolate Pancakes! The Nesting Project: The Perfect Idea for a Romantic Breakfast http://thenestingproject.blogspot.com/2010/02/perfect-idea-for-romantic-breakfast.html?spref=tw

5. Listening. Everyone loves to be heard. Really hearing someone involves just being quiet and being attentive to what the other person is saying. Listening for 20 minutes can be the spice of anyone's life. The person who listens the most has the most power in the relationship.

6. Pay compliments AND say thank you when they compliment you. Listen for the compliments and respond accordingly. No one likes to hand out a compliment only to have someone disagree with him. Agree. When you are conversing nothing is more irritating than someone who disagrees or negates everything you say to them. There are ways to agree with a person's statement without negating what they say. You can find something in what they said to affirm, some small piece to agree with that doesn't compromise your honesty. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the only resort to agreeing.

One of the happiest married couples I know say they show each other the same respect they did when they were dating. They were friends before they stated dating and they both continue to treat each other like friends, saying please and thank you and handing out compliments. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all made this a daily practice with others and especially those we say we love?

7. Last and most importantly, Be silly. Have fun. Every relationship needs to have the child like appeal to it. Sing, dance, just let go for a while and have some fun!

Dr. Mary Kay Keller