Monday, July 21, 2014

Been betrayed? Broken heart?

The hardest thing to do when you have been betrayed is to take the focus off of the other person. We ask ourselves how could they do this to me? Then we move to what did I do wrong questions? The first step to healing is to realize that sometimes people are really good at doing what works for them. Self Centered people will get what they want regardless of who it hurts. Often targeting people who are kind, loving and trust to easily. It is this deadly trio that makes a person a target. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being kind or loving. Keep those and don't let a bad experience shut that down. It is the too trusting part that usually is the key to weeding out people who are not good for you.

TRUST and RESPECT are not to be freely given. Both need to be earned. The bigger your heart is, the more effort needs to be required to earn your respect and your trust. Only you can be the guardian of all that is wonderful about you!

What can you do to see these love predators coming at you? 

1. Listen to your inner voice. Most people retrospect on something early on in the relationship that gave them cause to question the other person but shrugged it off. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not what you need to do when giving someone access to your heart.  Investigate! Call them out and ask them what that one thing was all about and do it early not later. 

2. Believe people when they tell you who they are! Men and women call me and ask me if their significant other is going to commit or do I think they are cheating on them. Each time they admit the person told them they didn't see themselves committing to a relationship or staying with one person. They were being TRUTHFUL so believe them. 

3. Watch and listen to your dates. Watch how they treat the staff that serves them. If they see servers as people or just part of the background noise. No one deserves to be dismissed or minimized, NO ONE! 

How do they talk about others. Someone who talks trash about others is an insecure person with not much going on in their own life. They are dissatisfied with themselves. No one takes energy and pleasure out of other people's flaws and shortcomings unless they are so focused on other people they are paying little attention to their own spiritual growth. You will find a trail of disaster in their past relationships always! 

4. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION to how YOU feel when you are with this person. Do not monitor how they feel about you. It doesn't matter. If you pay close attention to how you feel about them in a moment to moment basis. Notice if you often feel confused or conflicted by what they say to you. Your brain takes in non-verbal communication and processes it unconsciously and your hears and your heart hears what is being said. Verbal and non-verbal communication need to match up authentically. People with good hearts get distracted by their own internal dialogue over riding their instinct to survive. It works like this- he or she says something that feels really uncomfortable to you. Your inner guidance system says, "Wow! Where did that come from. What is happening here?" Your Heart responds with, "Well they didn't mean that, I know they are not that person." Or "Well that's too bad but everyone has a moment or two. I shouldn't be so quick to judge. We all have off days." See those remarks are excusing some one else bad behavior. Let them own their behavior. That benefit of the doubt is what gets us all into trouble. NO BENEFIT of the DOUBT when you are allowing someone into your heart! Follow up like a detective and get to the bottom of it. Become your own investigator and get answers until every fiber in your being says I am now okay. Remember PAY ATTENTION to how you feel when you are with someone. Not about how they feel, their feelings are their business. Travel in your own lane and most likely you will be on to someone quickly when they do not have good intentions. 

5. Express yourself genuinely in a relationship. When you are honest with another person about when you feel angry, when your boundaries feel violated, when you are uncomfortable you are being real. When you are real this is like a vaccination for heart predators. They want what they can get without much ado! People who do not have your best interest at heart don't stick when there is some work in the relationship. They are gone at the first sign of rough waters! Be happy that this happens! No one who ever left during a storm was someone who deserved you during the calm!

6. Know when to fold them! Do not hold onto someone for one more minute when you see the signs. There is not getting better. It doesn't get better. It will either die a slow excruciating and often humiliating death or your friends will eventually back away because you have become a hopeless cause. WALK AWAY! Rescue yourself. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Do not try and save someone who doesn't want to be saved not matter how much you sense they are their own worst enemy in a relationship. Be your own best friend. 

7. Lastly, BE KINDER to yourself. We all have moments of corrective learning opportunities. Love yourself more not less. Self centered is not the same as being selfish. Be selfish and LOVE yourself first. Truly loving another is about the inner love flowing out and over onto another person no what we can get from them. Forgive yourself for not being vigilant with your own well being.

Give yourself credit for surviving and thriving! Sometimes people are just really good at what they do and it was never about you. Like a plane crash just be awesomely grateful you survived and walked away! Get on with life and leave it all behind you. Life is to short to choose anything other than Love and Joy! Click here! 

Dr. Mary Kay Keller

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Powerful example of our neglect of Fathers in the research!

Do watch this amazing commercial from the Thai Tv! It is an amazing example of the disparity in mothering and fathering research. What we have to understand is that we have totally neglected fathers in our research on attachment and bonding during the last 100 years!

Think about it, what did we do when our little boys picked up dolls? We freaked out! Why? Because of our inane homophobic responses to boys playing with dolls, which were unfounded and ludicrous. Instead girls were allowed to play with dolls and then we react negatively and without compassion when a man doesn't know what to do with a crying baby? It's unfair! It is reverse sexism that harms the family unit and the father baby dyad.

Please do review the following and share freely. Together we can make a difference today! 
Here is my research article (written for the public) on fathers. Click here! 

Here is my power point research presentation on Fathers. Click here!  

I have been called a radical feminist to which I say yes. I believe in equality for all human beings. I believe now that I have seen the results of my own research that focusing  research exclusively on mothers and babies has placed too much of the responsibility for family outcomes (raising of children) to their own detriment as mothers and to the detriment of the of the relationships between father and their children. It is time to produce Best Practices for Fathering and support men in the workplace and at home being fathers! Not in competition with Mothering, side by side.

We will all benefit! Society will benefit!

Dr. Mary Kay Keller
Who am I?

Friday, June 27, 2014

Why people call a Relationship Coach?

People call when they are experiencing some form of stress or confusion in their personal life. Many of us have experienced times of self doubt and confusion. It isn't our fault. Life just gets complicated at times and we may have moments when we are overwhelmed by the advice of our friends, family and the media. Many people are seeking a safe anonymous and confidential place to share their experience and seek a non-judgmental objective listening ear and some hope that they can find some answers to move them ahead. I begin with these two questions: Are you happy? If not what is blocking you?
What would you do to be happy?


Romance and Dating 

I receive lots of calls from people wondering when they will find true love, or whether or not the person they are dating loves them, or will commit to them. Or they call because they are suffering from a recent break up and want to know how to move on or why that person did not love them. Some people call who are in relationships that are not working for them in-spite of their best efforts. No matter how hard they try they cannot feel the love they so desperately desire to have in their lives. We discuss strategies for attracting the person who is most capable of sharing their life and their love. What actions need to be taken to ensure that they have the very best possible outcome. You can find my blog postings on Romance here.

 Single people call because they are looking for love but find it so elusive they believe they will be alone forever. Sometimes they call because they want to be single and don't understand why they can't find just companionship. Some call because they feel so intensely lonely that they are convinced a relationship would only be worse if they had to face rejection.  We discuss what strengths they have developed by being alone that are very valuable in a relationship and strategies for how to get back out in the world and find other single people ready for a relationship or companionship!



Young parents call because they are overwhelmed with parenting and need support from someone who won't judge them for not having all the answers or not feeling loving towards their child(rent) when they are acting out. Or they want to know what their child's behavior means and how to best help their child. Many parents of teenagers call me because their teen is behaving in ways they never saw coming when they held that precious baby in their hands for the first time. Children did not come with a handbook or did they. Often we are missing the cues from them and the cues from our own heartstrings. Although I have many years of professional experience on children's development and behavioral issues I am not the expert and I am not a therapist for you or your child. You are the expert. Together we explore what is happening in your child's world and how it is ultimately impacting your life. I lay out possibilities and strategies for dealing with the presenting issue via appropriate and beneficial techniques and if need be refer you to the most appropriate professional for specific consultation. You are not alone and you do not have to spend your life being unhappy and beating up on yourself! 

Parents of adult children call who have had their hearts broken because their adult children do not want to talk to them anymore or because they don't understand why their children don't have time for them, what could they have done that was so bad that they children they raised could not turn on them and betray them through abandonment and neglect. They call because they don't know how to transition from a parent of a child to the parent of an adult child. Letting go doesn't come naturally and they need support without being judged. Some call because they cannot forgive themselves for how badly they believe they parented their children they are looking for forgiveness.

Adult children call because they don't understand why their parent is still abusive or controlling. They call because they seek to set boundaries with their parents and are fearful and terrified they will be rejected by the people that are suppose to love them the most. Sometimes they call because their parents are elderly and now they don't know how to help them or their parent won't let them help them.

Career Paths

Professionals and career people call me when their job is changing or the corporate structure is being reorganized and they feel confused and disoriented. Sometimes their soul is calling them to change jobs or follow a new career path and they need some support in understanding what that all means or they are afraid to follow the promptings of their hearts desire. 

Other people call because their employment environment is intolerable or they are not paid enough and/or are undervalued. Sometimes they are experiencing horrible emotional and possibly physical abuse in their work environment. While I am not a lawyer my education in Human Resource and Administrative Law provide me with a background to hear your situation and support you with strategies that will help you. When necessary I suggest consultation with a professional in the legal field and how to find someone who is experienced in the area you need most.

College students call because they need assistance figuring out how to manage at school. They don't understand why they are not connecting with their professors or they are terrified of failing out of their coursework. Sometimes they call because they are assigned to teams and they are struggling to understand the dynamics and feel they are being sabotaged or undermined by peers and/or professors. We talk about life adjustments, study skills and how to manage the system of college. What you can expect and where you can find support on campus.

Life Adjustments

People call me when they are seeking relief and healing from emotional pain or are confused about how life has been treating them. Sometimes I get calls from people surviving the death of a marriage or loved one. Someone they know had died or disappeared from their life and now they are in the grieving process and feel like they are alone with their pain. They wonder if their heart can actually break or they are afraid to cry because they might never stop. I developed a Life Adjustment class after working in the field of Human Services and provided this class to people who experienced the death of a loved one and/or a divorce (break up). I listen first and then share the tools and information from my class to help people adjust to the new normal. Often time people just need someone who can listen or if they feel they are struggling alone I can provide resources to bereavement specialists for longer in person sessions. Many places have free services.

Abusive Relationships
I get calls from people who are in emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships. Or the calls are from friends and family member of someone who is suffering the diseases of mental health and/or substance abuse addiction.  No one every decides this is how they want their life to be. They don't sign up for abuse or to live a life full of heartache and pain. We can discuss how to change what can be changed and how to find happiness regardless of how other people are behaving. Many people have been where you are now and have discovered that when they approached their lives by taking care of themselves first they then experienced many changes and found solutions for the problems in their lives. We will discuss your situation with compassion and understanding and then talk about strategies to get  you to a place where you enjoy your life and feel safe and discuss what resources are available to you and how to access those services.

How I Respond

When people call me I am humbled and honored that they will share who they are in all their vulnerability seeking a new way of interacting in their lives. I am not an expert on their life they are the expert. I simply listen while they talk and formulate what life skills I can share with them when they are ready to listen to what might work if they choose to pick up the tool from life's tool box and apply it. These calls are never a burden because I hear myself saying things that I have learned from my own experience, from other people's experiences, from my education and the research and serves as a reminder to myself too!

My life is blessed by my life's work and the people who call me tell me they are blessed by my work many have called me ,
"The Heart Whisper!"

Dr. Mary Kay Keller